Lately, health has taken over my life. It’s an overwhelming subject when it creeps into your everyday. There are so many aspects to think about. The ‘healthy living’ idea is probably what most people my age think about when they hear ‘health’. Eating right/dieting, exercising, etc. I’ve been on that type of ‘health’ kick for a while now, and it has been quite successful, actually. Since January, I’ve lost nearly 20lbs. I’ve been running at least 3 times a week lately and have tried to restrict my calories to less than 1,400. So that’s grand.
As a preschool teacher, there’s always the ‘not coughing/sneezing/feeling disgusting’ type of health. I haven’t experienced a whole lot of time in that realm of health since November, when I started down the ‘working with children’ path. Shortly after recovering from one cold, I would begin another. Hopefully the one that began this Saturday will be my last child-induced cold.
Overall, despite still being overweight and having a downer cold, I am healthy. I’m strong, have good teeth and (as far as I know) lack any diseases or disorders. But, not everyone around me has this type of luxury. Recently (Good Friday) Todd, a man from my church, was diagnosed with cancer for the second time in his 35ish years. I know people always say it, but, he’s a great guy who just doesn’t deserve what he’s been dealt. He and his wife of two years also just found out that they are expecting in December AND they just moved into a new house last week. Less than two weeks ago he had surgery on the mass in his chest and I was there for the pre-op with Amanda. She asked me to come along to see what that facet of ministry was like – She’s been wonderful in the ‘give Jen experience for the future’ realm. This was an absolutely amazing experience. I was nervous about being a stranger in a serious family event, but these people just opened their hearts to me… it was truly humbling. To be in the pre-op room last, to hold Todd’s hand as Amanda prayed with us… I can’t describe it. Then we found out that the cancer had spread to his esophagus and that there is little to be done with that… The danger of getting in close to tense, scary situations is the possibility of getting caught in the explosion if things don’t go well. Everyone is afraid about what might happen, what’s likely to happen really. Amanda is taking it very hard, trying to support Todd and his family and live up to everyone’s expectation of her embodiment of the link to God. It breaks my heart to see her leafing through hospice pamphlets to find something to say or offer.
Then, today when I came into work, I stopped by the toddler room (cause that’s where my heart is, really). I was greeted with ‘Have you heard about Kaylee?’ and three sets of eyes on my reaction. No, I said. But I knew that she had been sick for quite some time. Last week when her mom was dropping off Kaylee’s sister, Kaylee was along for the ride, but she was gone. You know when you’re really sick and you can’t really focus on anything or want to do anything? That was this toe-headed 18mo old. I figured is made sense, she had an ear infection and strep throat – Nobody would feel like playing. Well, this morning I jokingly followed my ‘no’ with, ‘She’s not dead, is she?’. And the teachers looked at each other and…’well… no. But she needs a bone marrow transplant’. Apparently Kaylee has stopped producing red blood cells. The don’t know what’s wrong yet but they can’t do more tests until they can get more blood from her. Of course, we are all thinking leukemia. Praying that it’s not.
Lately I have been ultra grumpy and irritable – a lot of it could be due to those situations above or at least the repercussions of them. Amanda is taking off FOUR WEEKS this summer on a writing hiatus. She told me this in an excited, loud voiced announcement across her desk in her office last week. To this I bumbled and stumbled all over myself in an attempt to comprehend what she meant, hide my sheer disappointment and be happy for her. I do this very poorly at best. I’ve been working very hard to convince myself that I’ve made good decisions for my future, that I am capable of what I’ve planned and that I’ll be ok when I leave Madison. These points all have important ‘if’s behind them, the biggest of them being ‘if I get to have this summer learning and working for the church and Amanda’. Well… I have 10 weeks left here – and now Amanda will be gone for 40% of it. A little disclaimer – I know this is selfish. I’ve learned to put myself first when there’s no one out there to do it for me. So my inability to show the ‘I’m happy for Amanda’s opportunity’ ended in tears – hers. If there’s a way to make me feel bad, this is it. So I’ve been feeling like shit since then – mad and myself, angry at the situation. I’m super upset by the recent change in Annual Conference plans as well, but those feelings are even more immature, so I don’t feel quite like discussing them on here. My mental/emotional health has been a little rocky. The health of my relationships with those closest to me haven’t fared well lately.
Last night I dreamed I was suffocating.
FrenchRangoon 